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Fear of sleep.
I haven't had one of these nights in a while, and used to have them more before treatment. But everyone in the house is asleep (including the kitties) and I'm still still up. And not because of insomnia, which I can struggle with at times.
But this is something else. I was sick last week, and while the worst is passed, I've been carrying around a heavy, winded feeling for the last couple of days. Some of that is from getting over being sick. Some is from being overweight (not that I gained anything in the last 3 days though), and some is, I am sure, having some bad nights recently.
Last night, I remember waking up a lot. Other recent nights, I don't, but my wife will tell me about my restless limbs and almost kicking or pushing her out of bed. So, as far as I can tell, it's been a bad sleep week.
The point of this babbling is that when I'm feeling run down, congested or whatever this is, and know I've been having rough nights, I get to where I don't want to go to bed out of a fear of sleep. Not really of sleep. Sleep is good when it goes right. It's more of a fear of sleeping and everything going horribly wrong. Like what if this is the night I finally apnea one too many times?
It's mostly emotional, though it comes from physical stuff. And I'm not even looking for everyone to say "Hey, Nat, It'll be fine, go to sleep" because I've been in this long enough to know that. But I'm sharing it because...
1) Maybe others need to hear that this happens to people besides themselves,
2) Maybe I kinda need to hear it happens to people other than me,
and most importantly,
3) Admitting that what's going on is me being afraid to go to bed takes away some of its power. I am a strong believer that confessing my fears or airing my embarrassments takes their dark power over me away (hence that silly song of mine).
So, there. Confessed. I hope to convince myself into bed within an hour or so, but in the meantime, hello to all you awakies!
[I tried to post this last night but teh site was in maintenance mode. I thought I lost it. But I hit refresj this morning and it posted. yay!]
But this is something else. I was sick last week, and while the worst is passed, I've been carrying around a heavy, winded feeling for the last couple of days. Some of that is from getting over being sick. Some is from being overweight (not that I gained anything in the last 3 days though), and some is, I am sure, having some bad nights recently.
Last night, I remember waking up a lot. Other recent nights, I don't, but my wife will tell me about my restless limbs and almost kicking or pushing her out of bed. So, as far as I can tell, it's been a bad sleep week.
The point of this babbling is that when I'm feeling run down, congested or whatever this is, and know I've been having rough nights, I get to where I don't want to go to bed out of a fear of sleep. Not really of sleep. Sleep is good when it goes right. It's more of a fear of sleeping and everything going horribly wrong. Like what if this is the night I finally apnea one too many times?
It's mostly emotional, though it comes from physical stuff. And I'm not even looking for everyone to say "Hey, Nat, It'll be fine, go to sleep" because I've been in this long enough to know that. But I'm sharing it because...
1) Maybe others need to hear that this happens to people besides themselves,
2) Maybe I kinda need to hear it happens to people other than me,
and most importantly,
3) Admitting that what's going on is me being afraid to go to bed takes away some of its power. I am a strong believer that confessing my fears or airing my embarrassments takes their dark power over me away (hence that silly song of mine).
So, there. Confessed. I hope to convince myself into bed within an hour or so, but in the meantime, hello to all you awakies!
[I tried to post this last night but teh site was in maintenance mode. I thought I lost it. But I hit refresj this morning and it posted. yay!]
Views: 38
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by RockRpsgt on
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As a sleep tech I feel your dred Nat. i try not to, but sometimes I catch myself lying in bed rehearsing everything that I have been taught. i 'll get up just to watch, or diagnose my families sleep. My oldest daughter had her tonsils removed not to long ago, and my baby girl snores. These are things that will cause anxiety for a sleep tech. Hang in there!
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Permalink Reply by BeeAsleep on
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Hi Nate, It happens to me as well sometimes. I will do a couple of things that seems to help for me:
1. I get up and write everything down, just free-form nonsense writing to empty out all the thoughts. I don't think about how the words sound, or if they are spelled correctly or if they make sense. The point is to just empty out all the fears, the feelings and the mind chatter. You can toss it all in the trash the next morning, it is just a tool to release your mind chatter.
2. I tell myself it is okay to "rest", I don't have to go to sleep. This takes the pressure off of me to go to sleep. If I rest long enough I usually sleep. I used to tell my daughter, all she had to do is get in bed and rest, before I knew it she was sleeping. :>D
Talking about it does release the power it has on us, so good for you for sharing! I am sure you will find what works for you.
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Permalink Reply by Lisa Marie Cardillo on
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I think I know what your saying Nat, I'll tell you what happens to me, I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I never know when I might exp. a sleep paraylsis episode, or just being in this strange state of slumber, wait I should'nt call it slumber, thats to peaceful of a word, I can't think of a word to describe that state of sleep that i'm in, but I hate it, i'm just so over tired, most days I feel like i'm still in this dream state all day long, up to even when it's time to go back to bed, I am to afraid to take daytime naps anymore as well, so I force myself to stay awake,or sit straight up in a chair and just rest my eyes. I hope I made some sense here, please tell me if you know what I mean! I just keep on keepin on, Lisa
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Permalink Reply by Janic Maioli on
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I hear you about the nap thing. That is one thing that is a bummer. I can never fall asleep on an airplane, or car, or lay down on the couch and doze off while watching TV. Well, I mean I could ...But ..we all know, not really.
If I do nod off...I just wake myself up....gasping...or snoring. (embarassing to say the least if your on a plane or something).
When I get tired...I just go right to bed.
Lisa Marie Cardillo said:I think I know what your saying Nat, I'll tell you what happens to me, I'm afraid to go to sleep, because I never know when I might exp. a sleep paraylsis episode, or just being in this strange state of slumber, wait I should'nt call it slumber, thats to peaceful of a word, I can't think of a word to describe that state of sleep that i'm in, but I hate it, i'm just so over tired, most days I feel like i'm still in this dream state all day long, up to even when it's time to go back to bed, I am to afraid to take daytime naps anymore as well, so I force myself to stay awake,or sit straight up in a chair and just rest my eyes. I hope I made some sense here, please tell me if you know what I mean! I just keep on keepin on, Lisa
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